Which Way to the Clown Car?

Mae and Jane attended a riveting lecture together over the past week. Too bad we couldn’t hear it over the professor’s shirt and necklace which were louder than a Russian drum quartet playing a marathon concert of metalcore rock fused with heavy metal. Chanel always said that women over-accessorize so they should look in the mirror before they leave and take one thing off. This professor should have taken all three gaudy necklaces (speaking of heavy metal…) off and left them at home. Had we been able to concentrate past the deafening shirt, or see the board past her giant necklace display, we still would have been very distracted by her large clown pants. Seriously, they reminded us of the episode of “Friends” where Phoebe tries on all of her maternity pants. She was a slim-ish woman, but she was doing herself zero favors by wearing pants that clung to her widest part and then flowed downwards. This means the rest of her looked just as wide as the widest part of her. If that wasn’t enough, her already boxy looking lower half was covered with a boxy pattern. That is correct. She was wearing plaid pants. And guess what? It was working for her about as well as riding that fox across the river worked for the Gingerbread Man. Now had these pants fit they would have been cute. A couple of days after this less than stellar outfit crossed our paths Jane’s eyes were offended by someone else wearing plaid dress-pants incorrectly. This time the pants looked like they’d fit, but she needed a belt. She was sagging dress pants! If you’re going to wear dress pants, you should not look like you are about to get on a skateboard or go on a walk through the hood. Also, we are in college, act like it! We are pretty sure that when you receive your high school diploma, you must fork over your right to sag your pants. Seriously, ladies! Start wearing your big-girl pants like, well, a big girl!

Feeling Especially Native North American Today?

As the weather gets warmer, Uggs are (thankfully) being shoved (or banished) into closets as flip-flops and ballet flats take their place as the footwear of choice. Last season’s boat shoe has been swapped with the similar, yet very different, moccasin (reverse assimilation?). Now Mae and Jane think the moccasin is cute when done correctly. Unfortunately we’ve seen some tarnished moccasins that would be disrespectful should they appear at an upcoming pow-wow (unless they were being donated to be burned at the bonfire). So heed our warning: moccasins are in but the house shoe or slipper that resembles the moccasin is not. So what is the difference? Not much. In fact, they could be the same shoe. But the moccasin is convincing as a shoe that is meant to be worn out while the house shoe or slipper is convincing as a shoe that has been worn to take out the trash every day (or judging by the looks some of these shoes, twice a day for the last decade), chewed up by your dog (or your dog and your best friend’s dog , your neighbor’s dog and then left for the angry pack of dogs in an alley in Detroit), and worn by Marion Jones for the duration of her pre-prison career. What we mean is your brand new cute skirt, perfectly pressed shirt and full scale hair and make-up are dulled by your insistence on wearing shoes that probably should have been tossed approximately half a decade ago. Remember the “Boho” (or “hobo”) look that dis-graced the covers of all the fashion magazines a few years back? In case you need a reminder: this is when all the fashionistas lost their minds and scavenged for their looks in trash dumps (the more rips in your jeans the better) and the only rule was that their clothes could not fit (seriously, the straitjackets they were given when they were institutionalized looked better than the garb they were prancing around the streets in). Well, ladies, your dirty grungy moccasins would feel right at home during that fashion trend. But since no one has patented a time machine yet, we will need to assume that one does not exist and move forward with our looks. That means wearing shoes that look like you meant to wear them with the rest of your outfit. So we applaud you for noticing the coming moccasin trend and trying to assimilate (or unassimilate), but we encourage you to run to your local mall and get some that won’t offend the local Native American tribe.

B to the O and we're not talking BINGO....

So the other when Jane walked into her class and sat down it wasn’t long before she got to smelling something funky. The expected list of questions ran through her head: “Is that me?” “Did I put deodorant on today?” “Seriously, did I?” And then she resorted to the good, old smell-your-armpit-discretely (while trying to act like you were raising your hand or adjusting your jacket) type maneuver that we are all familiar with. She was happy when her nostrils were greeted with the fresh peachy smell of her deodorant. “Phew, not me!” But not so fast, because she didn’t accomplish her armpit-smell discreetly enough. A random girl next to her leaned over and shared a juicy little tidbit, “Hey, people have been doing that in all of my classes today!” Uhhhh … So then Jane knew where the smell was coming from. It seems that today is a great day to talk about BO. We would like to think that we do not need to tell people this but our dad always says “common sense is not that common,” so we are actually not surprised. If people in all of your classes have been checking to see if their deodorant is working, the common denominator is you. You are the one who smells as if you’ve run a marathon, gone for a bike ride, on a camping trip and fishing in the sun all without taking a shower for about a month. Is it your unique scent that is offending the nostrils of the people around you? So now what do you do? Well, use your not-so-common sense and find some body spray or pleasantly fragrant lotion and don’t raise your hand. Also, when the people around you check to see if their deodorants are working, we wouldn’t be so quick to offer up the incriminating fact that everyone around you has been doing that all day. On the flip side, it is definitely possible to smell good but horrible all at the same time. Smell mismatch isn’t exactly felonious but we’re writing our state representatives to see if a policy change on this serious matter is at all possible. Okay, ladies. What part of lathering on a fruity lotion after using a completely different fruity body wash with a musky (or weird smelling) perfume and a scented shampoo sounds good to you? Sitting next to you makes us wonder if your purse contains an out-of-season fruit salad that you topped off with Britney Spears perfume and has somehow managed to go bad giving off an aroma of, well, an out-of-season fruit salad that… You (hopefully) get the picture. So what can a girl do? Well, for starters, either use everything in complementary scents or use unscented products. And then stop bathing in all of them. You know how people get when you’re in their bubble? Well Mae and Jane are territorial about their scent bubbles. And we’ll get snippy if you offend our olfactory zones. So, ladies, let’s stop marinating in our eau de toilette (marinades belong exclusively in the kitchen, anyway) and remember the only good BO is Barack Obama.

Blueberry Popsicle?

Do you ever wake up and think “what am I going to wear”? We suppose everyone probably does. But do you ever think to yourself, “I think I’ll do my make-up in such a way that it looks like I’m suffocating or have recently drowned”? Probably not. But then why do you wear lipstick that makes your lips look bluer than George Donner’s feet after a month in the Sierra Nevadas? Haven’t you always wondered why someone always comes up to you and says “I am certified to do the Heimlich, can I help you?” It’s because your lips give the impression that there is something lodged in your throat that is cutting off your air supply. Where did this trend start? At swimming pools, among lifeguards who were playing practical jokes on each other? Or perhaps you were going for the wall-flower look and you heard the wall paper was going to be a blueish hue? Well, bluebell, I’d start blending into walls that are pinkish or red. These are shades that make you convincing as a living human being because, contrary to what your local mortuary would like you to believe, dead is not in this year. (Next year isn’t looking very promising for that market, either.) The only people who should sport this shade are seven years old and they just finished eating a blueberry popsicle! Let us warn you, we’ve all heard the story about the boy who cried wolf. Keep wearing your lipstick and see who comes to your aid when you actually do have something lodged in your throat.

Life is Not a Bakery

Ever heard the saying, “You are what you eat”? Or have you seen someone who looks just like their dog? Well a new trend has hit us like a fast ball aimed at Todd Helton’s head (in that the trend happened fast and it has been painful). People are beginning to resemble baked goods. Well mostly just one super savory type of baked good: the muffin. Everyone knows what a muffin looks like. It starts out with flat sides and then it has some overhang once the muffin has reached the top of the muffin cup; a little muffin brim, if you will. You know what else has been spotted with a brim as of late? PANTS! Tight ones. Ladies, it is not fashionable to wear anything that pushes your love handles up and out and over your pants resulting in a mushroom-like blob that is more horrific to look at than the ones produced by “Little Boy” and “Fat Man” over Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945. (Okay… no it’s not, but we’re just saying do not underestimate the horror of the effects of “Muffin Man”.) Now we’ve seen this trend on all sizes of lady. Even one lady who was probably a size two but had probably tried to squeeze into a size zero. Seriously? The sad thing is this problem can be remedied. Tape worm, anyone? No seriously, you just need to buy pants that are your size. So, cupcake (can we call you cupcake?) go purchase some pants that fit, regardless of what that nasty little number on the tag says (no one is good with numbers, anyway).

Black and White… and Black

So the warm weather reared its pretty little face early in spite of raucous protests heard from Punxsutawney Phil’s hole in Pennsylvania. Along with the weather came the skimpy clothes out of boxes labeled “summer”, the bottom drawers of dressers, and the backs of closets. A hodge podge of attire, (an unorganized mix of last season’s styles and whatever wasn’t wrinkled), scampered about like a preschool dance class performing their first recital with footwear ranging from flip-flops to ballet flats to bare feet in the grass. Long pants, capris and skirts skipped around and then … what the…? Apparently many of the ladies didn’t get the metaphorical “memo” that should have been passed around the sorority houses and dormitories. But do not worry, we plan to reiterate. Ahem: clothes are supposed to cover what is under them. No, we are not talking about showing too much skin. We are talking about showing too much bra. Sure, when a rogue bra strap peeks out from under your tank top like a claustrophobic snake sunning itself quietly on your shoulder, you’re not in the minority on a fair weather day. Everyone has fallen victim to this insignificant wardrobe malfunction. What we both hope everyone does not begin to do is wear black bras with white shirts. What are you thinking? Perhaps today your white tank wasn’t wrinkled and only your black bra was clean? Well let us tell ya, this style should keep hibernating for the winter; and the spring and summer and fall, for that matter. How could you possibly think it is becoming to draw attention to, not only your cleavage, but your whole entire chest and torso? Here is a riddle: What is less flattering than horizontal stripes? Answer: One horizontal stripe that looks suspiciously like the bra that you are wearing. It accents your widest part and you do not need to be doing that, ladies. The “Monet effect” doesn’t help this style, either because you look just as absurd and un-put-together when you’re far away, too! Punxsutawney Phil is on the brink of taking away our right to warm weather seasons and, be assured, next February he will have to be pried from his hole wearing a blind fold if this fashion catches on. So do everyone a favor and wear a bra that blends in!

Butter-Face

Ever seen Picasso’s “Bust of a Woman with a Hat”? It’s one of his paintings where the face is rearranged. It’s trippy. We hate to say it, but when you over-tweeze your eyebrows you look just that bizarre. Are your eyebrows one hair thick? Too skinny! Too weird looking! People will (and probably do) stare. But if you’re going to over-tweeze, you should be prepared to keep up the tweezing so we cannot see the little specs of hairs growing in. This just draws attention to how much you took off in the first place and it’s so distracting to talk to someone when it looks like they dipped their lower forehead in coffee grounds. We realize you may need to go through this flecky stage to get to full, robust eyebrows. However, this is your penance for over-tweezing in the first place. What is worse than over-tweezing? Under-tweezing. (Okay, it’s not worse, but it’s the same.) Ladies, you need more than one eyebrow so invest in some wax and get rid of that hair over your nose. Your eyebrows don’t actually like each other. They need this buffer zone of skin, if you will. There is nothing that will get you noticed faster than sporting the “Frida Kahlo” but the style died when she did. Creativity on your face is not as artistic as it was for Picasso. So stop emulating works of art and channeling dead artists. Starbuck’s, anyone?