Life is Not a Bakery

Ever heard the saying, “You are what you eat”? Or have you seen someone who looks just like their dog? Well a new trend has hit us like a fast ball aimed at Todd Helton’s head (in that the trend happened fast and it has been painful). People are beginning to resemble baked goods. Well mostly just one super savory type of baked good: the muffin. Everyone knows what a muffin looks like. It starts out with flat sides and then it has some overhang once the muffin has reached the top of the muffin cup; a little muffin brim, if you will. You know what else has been spotted with a brim as of late? PANTS! Tight ones. Ladies, it is not fashionable to wear anything that pushes your love handles up and out and over your pants resulting in a mushroom-like blob that is more horrific to look at than the ones produced by “Little Boy” and “Fat Man” over Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945. (Okay… no it’s not, but we’re just saying do not underestimate the horror of the effects of “Muffin Man”.) Now we’ve seen this trend on all sizes of lady. Even one lady who was probably a size two but had probably tried to squeeze into a size zero. Seriously? The sad thing is this problem can be remedied. Tape worm, anyone? No seriously, you just need to buy pants that are your size. So, cupcake (can we call you cupcake?) go purchase some pants that fit, regardless of what that nasty little number on the tag says (no one is good with numbers, anyway).

Black and White… and Black

So the warm weather reared its pretty little face early in spite of raucous protests heard from Punxsutawney Phil’s hole in Pennsylvania. Along with the weather came the skimpy clothes out of boxes labeled “summer”, the bottom drawers of dressers, and the backs of closets. A hodge podge of attire, (an unorganized mix of last season’s styles and whatever wasn’t wrinkled), scampered about like a preschool dance class performing their first recital with footwear ranging from flip-flops to ballet flats to bare feet in the grass. Long pants, capris and skirts skipped around and then … what the…? Apparently many of the ladies didn’t get the metaphorical “memo” that should have been passed around the sorority houses and dormitories. But do not worry, we plan to reiterate. Ahem: clothes are supposed to cover what is under them. No, we are not talking about showing too much skin. We are talking about showing too much bra. Sure, when a rogue bra strap peeks out from under your tank top like a claustrophobic snake sunning itself quietly on your shoulder, you’re not in the minority on a fair weather day. Everyone has fallen victim to this insignificant wardrobe malfunction. What we both hope everyone does not begin to do is wear black bras with white shirts. What are you thinking? Perhaps today your white tank wasn’t wrinkled and only your black bra was clean? Well let us tell ya, this style should keep hibernating for the winter; and the spring and summer and fall, for that matter. How could you possibly think it is becoming to draw attention to, not only your cleavage, but your whole entire chest and torso? Here is a riddle: What is less flattering than horizontal stripes? Answer: One horizontal stripe that looks suspiciously like the bra that you are wearing. It accents your widest part and you do not need to be doing that, ladies. The “Monet effect” doesn’t help this style, either because you look just as absurd and un-put-together when you’re far away, too! Punxsutawney Phil is on the brink of taking away our right to warm weather seasons and, be assured, next February he will have to be pried from his hole wearing a blind fold if this fashion catches on. So do everyone a favor and wear a bra that blends in!

Butter-Face

Ever seen Picasso’s “Bust of a Woman with a Hat”? It’s one of his paintings where the face is rearranged. It’s trippy. We hate to say it, but when you over-tweeze your eyebrows you look just that bizarre. Are your eyebrows one hair thick? Too skinny! Too weird looking! People will (and probably do) stare. But if you’re going to over-tweeze, you should be prepared to keep up the tweezing so we cannot see the little specs of hairs growing in. This just draws attention to how much you took off in the first place and it’s so distracting to talk to someone when it looks like they dipped their lower forehead in coffee grounds. We realize you may need to go through this flecky stage to get to full, robust eyebrows. However, this is your penance for over-tweezing in the first place. What is worse than over-tweezing? Under-tweezing. (Okay, it’s not worse, but it’s the same.) Ladies, you need more than one eyebrow so invest in some wax and get rid of that hair over your nose. Your eyebrows don’t actually like each other. They need this buffer zone of skin, if you will. There is nothing that will get you noticed faster than sporting the “Frida Kahlo” but the style died when she did. Creativity on your face is not as artistic as it was for Picasso. So stop emulating works of art and channeling dead artists. Starbuck’s, anyone?

Maybe She’s Born With It, But Probably Not

You know the slogan, “Maybe she’s born with it; maybe it’s Maybelline”? This silly jingle implies that all who wear their makeup will look envy-inducing flawless and they will also look natural. Well no Maybelline (or any brand) product can help you ladies if you insist on wearing a color that doesn’t match your skin. There is nothing about a make-up line on the side of your face that says “hello, I am Jane-Doe’s natural skin tone.” There also is nothing about it that doesn’t make us want to make fun of you. And a make-up line is a flaw, so you can kiss “flawless” goodbye in one fell swoop. First of all, go ahead and turn your head in the mirror when you put your make-up on. Do you see a line where your make-up quits and your face begins? If “yes” we are talking to you. Get rid of this line and go get some new make-up! Also, step back from the mirror and ask yourself “is my neck a significantly different color than my face?” If your answer is yes, take your make-up off and go get a different shade. Now that we’ve got this solved, a whole different problem can be tackled. Put lotion on before applying your make-up! Nothing makes us laugh inside as much as someone whose make-up is flaking off like sand coming off a camel’s eyelashes after a trip across the Sahara. Face dandruff is not okay.

Orange is for Pumpkins

So we had a long discussion about people who tan during the winter. Sure, Mae pops in for a quick tan every once in a while. But she doesn’t overdo it. You just look unnatural when you’re walking around in winter sporting a tan that looks like you just laid outside all day. We know you didn’t. (And don’t get us started on peroxide blondes who bake themselves crispier than Chicken Little in Colonel Sanders’ oven rendering themselves darker than the sand in the Midwest. That’s just not natural, either. Blonde hair comes naturally for those who are less pigmented, so natural blonds would never be able to tan that dark. And no one is that crispy… ever.) Which brings us to the real point: Ladies, there is no season during which your complexion should be reminiscent of a pumpkin! This means you who wear the sunless tanner, no UV, lotion. We are grateful that sunless tanner manufacturers have come out with new ways to prevent streaking and spotting (none of which work significantly better than what we used to be offered, anyway) but they haven’t fixed the problem of how produce-like you will look when you use it. Oranges, nectarines, carrots, pumpkins and kumquats all look natural when they are orange. You just look silly. So unless you’d like to be mistaken for a jack-o-lantern, fight the urge to fake-n-bake or slather on that sunless tanner and do something productive… like picking out a foundation that matches.