Graduation is not a Fashion Show

In Mae and Jane’s family education is very important. This weekend was very exciting as we celebrated Jane’s graduation from college. Now that was a festival of interesting (from the fashion perspective).

The academic regalia worn was in reflection of tradition dating back to the 13th century. According to the program, the traditional robe serves two functions as it indicates rank and it keeps the wearer warm. Seriously, part of this long standing tradition comes from people going to school and being cold? In the future academic regalia should involve a hoodie and jeans since that’s what we don these days to keep warm in our drafty classrooms. I guess we should all be glad this tradition didn’t start in a more tropical region and we don’t have to wear shorts or swimsuits depending on our cumulative GPA. (You may only pierce your bellybutton if you're in the top 3% of your class....) The program failed to delve very far into the origins of the mortarboard. Apparently, though, it was worn by bald people (most of whom were probably men). It is unclear whether or not it was worn just for the purpose of keeping the head warm. The mortarboard seems, to graduates, the very last hurdle that college has to offer. There is not a cute way to wear a mortarboard. And don’t forget that bangs are in this season… (Take this advice: if you’re graduating in the next couple of years, stay away from bangs!) The mortarboard flattens bangs and makes it look like your hair line starts at your ears. And doesn’t everyone want to look like their hair dresser had a freak razor accident and accidentally shaved just the front of their head? There is one way you can wear your hair for the ceremony and it is dictated by the mortarboard (at least your photos will be timeless!) And the tassel has so much meaning but mostly it is just this annoying thing that dances around just out of your line of sight so you think you’re about to be attacked by a bee or something and you keep turning your head quickly as it catches your eye which just makes you look like you’re missing some parts of a chromosome and the wiggling tassel just gets worse. While none of this dress is very becoming on anyone, we’d like to note that Jane didn’t care what she was wearing when she finally got her chance to walk across the stage to receive her diploma cover. (And she didn’t trip! But she almost did when her row stood up to walk to the stage…)

Now since everyone who is on the stage is in the same boat with the interesting looking regalia, we should hit on something else that isn’t cool at graduations: the majority of the speeches. (Honestly, Jane would rather listen to a lecture in class than some of the speeches). Apparently when you ride a bike there is a headwind and a tailwind and you notice the headwinds more than the tailwinds. We assume that this is a metaphor for life but there was a lot of rambling about biking and headwinds and tailwinds and different kinds of winds (seriously, this lady wasn’t a meteorologist, but by the end of her speech she probably was qualified to give windy weather forecasts and announce for the Tour de France. But we’d decline if we were ever given the chance to listen to her deliver another commencement address.) And seriously, if she’d taken as much time to ride her bike in Fort Collins as she said she did, she would have spoken more about the crosswinds which are, in Jane’s opinion, the most annoying kinds of winds. We took this in stride because it was the commencement address and we were still excited for the distribution of the diplomas. But after the diplomas had been doled out (during which time we could have completed another bachelor’s degree) we were addressed by a man who probably should have received the “most boring voice in the world” award. The closing remarks he gave really closed some eyelids. Every time Jane tuned out and back in, she would have sworn he was saying exactly the same thing he was saying when she tuned out. It seems that professors need to be pulled aside and someone needs to tell them that commencement isn’t about them. And it’s not about students donating to the alumni committee. It’s about the group of students sitting in front of them for the last time who reverted back to kindergarten and couldn’t figure out how to put their silly hats on that morning. Students who are restless. Students who know they will not be tested on the speeches the professors are giving.
Congrats to the class of 2009!