A New Way To Go Green... (Sort of)

You know what’s cool? Laughing at your own jokes, tooting your own horn, and directing all of the attention of everyone around you to yourself . . . Wait, it’s not? Oh, okay. Well someone should tell that to the reckless girl who was driving a red Toyota sedan through the parking lot on Jane’s campus today. It’s not that it was a red sedan, or that it was made by Toyota (but, seriously, the American economy would have appreciated the moolah she shelled out on a foreign car … we need to stimulate and spend but I think that Obama meant for that to happen on goods manufactured in America). Anyway, this is not our point. The other thing that was going on was this car was accompanied by so much buzzing, we were POSITIVE that we would turn around and see a truck full of a million bee hives. But, no. It was just this girl in her little red sedan playing her music much too loudly with too much bass. But you know what? She had a crappy sound system so all we could hear was the buzzing of the plastic shell of her car. It was as if someone put a speaker into a red Tupperware and turned it on full blast until it buzzed around the countertop like a cheap wind-up toy from a child’s happy meal. In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if this was an attempt at a do it yourself pseudo-economy car. In order to save gas and go green, she just sticks her car in neutral and she is propelled forward by the vibrations generated by her music. I could see how this would work. She puts on some Ruben Studdard with his low tones when she goes through school zones and when she’s cruising on the highway she bumps some Mariah Carey who’s high pitch propels her down the highway like a rocket. (Leading us to wonder about a couple things that are very important: can you actually “bump” to Mariah Carey? And we’ve always wondered if there are actually notes on her CDs that are too high pitched for anything short of a dog to hear. How would we know?) Turning the radio off is the equivalent to popping the e-brake. Donuts, anyone? They’ve never felt so effortless! But automakers are scrambling to fix the one design flaw (47,000 automakers, in fact). Your car must be jump started every few miles since the radio runs down the battery. Unfortunately we suspect (as does anyone who is logical) that this ridiculous intrusion of buzzing and noise that momentarily ruined a fine walk on a wonderful Colorado day was just the result of this girl’s disregard for the conversations of others going on around her. So everyone, turn your music down. We don’t want to hear your music. And we promise you don’t want us to hear how cheap your sound system is.

Being Nice is soooo Fashion!

So it has been a while since Mae and Jane have sat down to offer up our sarcasm. And while we realize that we are usually funny, we are going to take today to be outraged about a disturbing American trend. We flipped on the ABC’s “World News with Charles Gibson” to hear the anchorwoman talking about a “signature crime” for April in America. What is our signature April crime, you might ask? The anchorwoman was referring to the fatal mass shooting in Binghamton, New York. (Other large scale fatal shootings have happened in April in previous years.) Now, this is a different type of trend than we usually write about. But we want to take today to remind you all that there is nothing cool or fashionable about violence. And we express our condolences to anyone personally touched by the tragedy in New York.